It was quite distressing atmosphere in today's therapy, there were so many quiet moments. Then after one long silence R asked me, what was I thinking. I almost panicked, what indeed? Was I thinking something or didn't just figure anything to say? It bothers me when it feels like I always have to make up the subject to talk about. I don't necessarily always have  things to say and is it there enough subjects to talk about, endlessly? We agreed that we will continue to meet now for a year from now. R asked me, what a feeling I have, do I want to continue working with her or does it make me too distressed. I said no no, I want to continue. Although really.. I'm not sure. I am distressed, of course, but maybe it belongs to this early stage and learning to be with a new person. R is nice to me. So where's the problem?! I guess I just need some time got the "right feeling".

But now I 'm just puzzled, is that right now even psycho therapy, cause I haven't heard anything from the Social Insurance Institution and I haven't made any applications etc. So what on earth?  It has been about p s y c h o t h e r a p y from the very beginning and that's what I want, but now it seems like this is some kind of "normal" therapy. R is a trained psychologist, I know that, but that's almost all I know about her. And I don't have enough courage to ask it from herself. I must hope that the next doctor visit in mid-October brings some clarity to this situation. At the same visit I have to ask about my rehabilitation support (or what it is in english, the money that I get when beeing in sick leave). Will the same support continue after October of where do I get some money (..go to work, hippie..). Hopefully doctor knows what she is doing and I don't have to wait for the money too long.

Ps. Pheww.. this was one hell of a text to translate.. Don't know why, it just felt difficult.