I began to ponder weight and appearance things. I often read some slimming blogs here in Vuodatus, sometimes it's about really overweight people struggling against the pounds and sometimes about people with anorexia struggling against the disease. I myself have experienced a mild obesity (173 cm/~80 kg) and lower than normal body weight (173 cm/~50 kg) in about 3 years (2004-2007), so it has been quite a roller coaster ride. Upper weight was caused by depression (binge eating + lack of exercise) and drugs (the combination of valproic acid + mirtazapine, a sure way to gain weight and become a misshapen chunk). The lower weight again was caused by eating disorder, distorted body image. I ate hardly nothing, only fruits and sources of protein. I saw myself as fat, I stood constantly in the front of the mirror, I weighted myself and squeezed my "fats" , weeping. I "cured" from that through BED, Binge Eating Disorder. I gained weight 20 kg's in two months, which makes about 2.5 kg per week. Wild binging. I felt very bad and I couldn't console myself any other way than eating. Fortunately the stop came, binging calmed down, when I started to get my life's pieces back together. The food was not my only friend anymore. A friend of course, I love eating, but it's not the dominant thing in my life.

This morning I just stared myself and my body from the mirror. I said to myself that I look quite good. My weight is 70 kg now, which means normal weight according to BMI. I have some extra roundness around the waist and pelvis, but it's ok for me. I'm no spindleshanks. Fortunately some of the fat has gone to boobs, too. :)

Of course, sometimes I wonder how much better I would look if I were 10 kg lighter. I must admit. I would be in a normal weight, but surely look thinner. I put here some photos from the times I weighed about 60 kg.

In the spring 2003:

In the summer 2005:

I think I look very good in that weight, but not too skinny, like for example in 2006:

Be free to stare at the breasts, cause there ISN'T any. My nose looks oversized to that face. Yuck, and I found myself fat those days. There is nothing beautiful in anorexia nervosa..

I prefer my current weight and be slightly round, than be too skinny. Maybe I could even feel better, if I started to practice regular physical activity and corrected my diet a little. Most likely my vitality would increase, mood would be happier and my body would be fitter. But if I can't now find the needed strength for that, I can only say, that I am happy with myself like this.